Dominatrix

What is a dominatrix?

Unless you live under a rock, you know you’ve heard of them. Dominatrices. Those women in power who free a man or woman by making them cater to her every dominant need. When you first hear the word 'dominatrix,' your mind may immediately jump to some mistress of the night, a woman clad in leather and walking around in stilettos, stepping on the face of one man while also whipping another partner who's dressed like a pig. But while you may think a dominatrix is always female, they're not all women. Some are nonbinary, and men who do this work are really just called doms.

So what does it actually mean to be a dominatrix? What is a day in the life of one like? And most importantly, how the heck do I find one (or become a mistress myself)?

See, the world of the dominatrix is more diverse than you might think - and the concept is nothing new. Domination at the hands of a powerful mistress comes in many different flavors. And while there are common job requirements that every dominatrix must see through to completion, you may be surprised to learn just how varied the job is from day to day.

What does a dominatrix get up to?

In the world of a professional dominatrix, no two days are exactly the same. Sure, they are all in charge of the situation and play out fantasies, but the kind of punishment varies from man to woman. A dominatrix will show clients of all levels of experience the ropes, and support them on their journey to sexual enlightenment.

A mistress controls their submissive, who is a man, woman, or nonbinary partner. No two clients are exactly alike. In the daily life of a dominatrix, they may use a queening chair and a blindfold with one man, and then dress the next woman up as a pony and prance her around for the world to see.

However, every dominatrix shares three common threads in their daily work:

A good mistress always has an initial meeting with a potential client.

Being a mistress is long, hard, and satisfying work. Like anyone working with clients, a dominatrix always has a first meeting, which she uses to get to know her clients. Usually, they meet on neutral ground, like a bar or cafe, to find out what her clients want from her.

With each client, they enjoy a new and particular relationship, and someone who sees a dominatrix for the first time can expect a close discussion about their fetishes before they begin. After that first meeting, you can schedule a second session - and this time, you'll meet in the dungeon.

They are always in charge of their sub...

Whatever it means to their sub, the dominatrix is in charge. Some subs may want to act out fantasies a la Fifty Shades of Grey, while others want their dom to use them as human furniture. Whatever it is, the dom acts it out, telling their sub what to do – and when to do it. This includes letting the dom fulfill their own whims, often to the dismay of the sub, since the dominatrix is the one that holds the (sometimes literal) keys.. 

...but their sub’s desires are most important.

When it comes to engaging with a mistress, men and women alike are invited to forget what the media has taught them. A mistress always wants clients new and old to feel comfortable, and the goal is to satisfy them.

Even though your thoughts of dominatrices might be steeped in Fifty Shades of Grey, the truth is very different. The “dom” in that series is manipulative, abusive, and gave his lover no genuine space to negotiate her own desires and limits. The reality is much sexier. Because although a mistress is in total control of their sub, they only dive into that role after learning exactly what their sub is yearning for. The dominatrix, in all her harsh realities, aims to please. The tools used are the ones the man, woman, or nonbinary client says they are eager for her to use on them.

For some people, they’re yearning for a dom to unleash the classic dungeon experience with whips, chains, blindfolds, and more. For others, it’s more nuanced. Often, dominatrices serve a unique role, acting out people’s most forbidden impossible fetishes. A common example is vorephilia – the act of being eaten, usually whole. Through role playing on the phone or even dressing their client as a turkey and “cooking” him in a cardboard oven, a dominatrices job is to tap into the ultimate fantasies of subjugation, so their clients and lovers beg for more.

The site of all pleasure

In a dominatrix's dungeon. you may see new toys whose use you can't even fathom. All good dommes are well stocked, and have instruments you may get to experience if you ask them very, very nicely. Don't expect cookies and snuggles (unless, of course, you have an age play fetish).

The room where the action takes place looks different for every woman working in the domme sphere. Some dominatrices work out of their own home, while others have spent years running a dungeon in downtown London. The women who get into this career relish that their life revolves around it, and they are always seeking to improve their dungeon with new toys, and also new experiences for their clients. That's why you see dominatrix conventions popping up around the globe, like Dom Con, hosted in Los Angeles.

Each woman and nonbinary domme present at a convention are there to learn new ways to improve their profession, and also would jump at the chance to build out their dungeon and get new treasures to drive clients wild. But because there are so many pro dommes out there, it's hard to know exactly what your local dungeon would look like. It might be all packaged in black leather, but it could also be opulent, with a whipping post made of wrought iron, and a chandelier to help a woman see her mistress' face by. Part of the fun is never knowing exactly what you're stepping into.

Consent is key

At first glance, being intimate with a dominatrix can seem like a gloves off, rules-out-the-window sort of deal. However, a dominatrix and their client follow specific parameters at every turn. They enter into an agreement that keeps them both safe. The client may yearn for pain fantasies, but that doesn’t mean the dominatrix has license to push them past what they’re looking for. 

Instead, it’s the dominatrix’s duty to make sure their clients’ needs are being fulfilled to the max – without crossing any lines. That's why consent is fundamental to any BDSM arrangement - including a session with a professional mistress. These limits include talking in detail with their clients so that the dominatrix knows which limits are hard, and which areas their client wants to be pushed. Functional safewords are essential.

For instance, a client may ask for public humiliation like being forced to eat with their hands in public, being subjected to financial domination (findom for short), or they can even get into such treacherous waters as racially-charged degradation. Their safe word means that as soon as a limit has been reached, they both have an escape hatch, keeping client and dominatrix alike unharmed.

Surprisingly, when you ask most professional dominatrices about the primary facet of their job, they’ll tell you it’s about being a good listener, each and every time. 

Do they have sex with their clients?

When you think about providing ultimate sexual satisfaction, a lot of people picture a pro domme being the kind of woman who brings her clients to a shuddering finish through penetrative sex. In fact, folks who are new to the world of sex work have a common misconception that all pro sex workers have penetrative sex with their clients. It makes sense. The professional world of sex work is so hidden and shoved to the sidelines that many folks looking to dip their toes into these sexy, sexy waters expect the whole thing to be lawless, totally wild, and a space where anything goes.

In reality, that stereotype is only half right.

Yes, a dominatrix has one big goal: to completely, achingly, shudderingly satisfy their clients. Ideally, it's to complete them in a way that they may have savored never before. But everyone's kink is different. Some people want to be pounded, while others just want to be used as a footstool and ignored.

To better understand what a dominatrix does, it helps if you realize that sex is more than just penetration. It is, in fact, defined as anything that gets you off and feels like a full, intimate experience. Most of what a dominatrix is willing (or not willing) to do depends on a client's desires, but also her own personal boundaries. While there are dominatrixes who do have penetrative sex with their clients, many don't, for varying reasons. Some just aren't interested in offering that as a service, while others feel that it would break the ruse of their invulnerability, their power, and their position of ultimate control. This sentiment plays a role in why many dominatrices are fully clothed throughout a session. Their latex and leather may be skin tight, but they aren't revealing the tender flesh that's underneath. Having their skin under wraps serves two ends: one, it keeps their body at a distance, helping to maintain the professional separation between them and their clients. Second of all, it helps uphold the fantasy of a mystery woman in ultimate, supreme power. If you could see her body, it might feel too casual, or too intimate, and less like a session of absolute surrender to a breathtaking professional.

That's not to say that they don't have penetrative sex with their clients. Some do, and find that it only enhances their connection and domination over a client. Others who offer full sex work services often may choose to keep their two lines of work separate, like Laura Lee of Ireland. Just like their clients, each and every dominatrix offers something a little bit different, and has a fresh perspective they bring to the table. After all, what it all boils down to is personal preference of both the dominatrices and their yielding, willing clients. Whatever they both agree on is the right way for them to play - end of story.

How do I find a dominatrix?

If you’re looking to find a dominatrix in your area, you can shop around easily without leaving your pajamas. To get started, google the word “dominatrix,” “BDSM,” or “dungeon,” plus your city name. While most major metropolitan areas will boast several dominatrices to choose from, you may have limited options if you come from somewhere smaller. If that’s the case, you can still enjoy a session over the phone. Many pro dommes work easily and fluidly in a phone session, and you can have a new kind of role play or satiate what are known as impossible fetishes like turning into food, being swallowed by a giant woman, or being overcome by tentacles.

If that search pulls up nothing, try looking for a dominatrix through your local FetLife community. The oldest sex site on the web, this kinky version of Facebook is bound to put you in touch with a few dominatrices in driving distance who would be happy to offer you their services.

When you’re working with a dominatrix, it’s normal to be intimidated your first time, but rest easy: what you’re about to do can be thrilling, empowering, and a radical experience that opens you up to all your desires. Think about it: your wildest fantasies, come to life. 

What fantasy punishment can a dominatrix cook up for you today?