Spanking Fetish

Spanking fetish? Here's what you need to know

Spanking - the erotic discipline that hurts so good. While it's common for people in popular media to reduce a spanking fetish to little more than a sad part of someone's unresolved issues after they were spanked as children, we know better. Contemporary kink and spanking research shows that this kind of sexy punishment is a normal, healthy, and powerful way to deepen sexual intimacy while testing a new flavor of desire.

For many of us, the art of spanking is highly erotic, and drives us wild even if we were never spanked once as children. Wherever it comes from, spanking and erotic corporal punishment are delicious forms of sexual expression that can enrich your relationship to your own body as well as to your partner's.

If you're reading this article, maybe spanking is just a fledgling fantasy, something you haven't yet gotten to enjoy. Or, you may have enjoyed a nice, long spanking session for the first time just recently. Whether you were bent over someone's knee, or you were put in the position of being the one who administered that first spanking, a part of you awakened. Like a wildfire, the effects of that first slap of skin on skin spread, and now you're positive that if loving this kink is wrong, you don't want to be right.

No matter if you like doling the spanking out or getting spanked on the bottom yourself, it can be thrilling to get inducted into this universe of slap-happy fun. However, learning how to master the art of spanking takes work. And if you're eager to get to spanking, the most effective way to get started is to do your sexy homework first.

It starts with communication

If you thought this article would skip straight to the divine punishment of a good spank, you were wrong. There's one thing that no healthy spanking sesh can do without: communication. Talking about spanking, as well as any other BDSM fetish, is step one to creating an open door to sharing what works and what doesn't in the bedroom. Playing in punishment is sexy, but it is also one thing that can quickly descend into treacherous territory if not honored correctly.

The number one thing to learn when you start to think about incorporating spanking and any related behavior into the bedroom is this: sex is only good when both parties consent to it freely. Consent is fundamental to even the most vanilla of sex, and when you start exploring kinks that can sting, it’s even more important to make sure you’re following the rules. If you partner wants just a light spanking, or even if you want to be tied up and spanked until it hurts to sit the next day, you need to be comfortable voicing your needs (and hearing your partner’s) before you get started.

Establish a safe word right out the gate and make sure you’re both confident using it for when either party’s limits are reached. I know, I know, Fifty Shades of Grey really didn't do this bit justice, but still: spanking without explicit consent, negotiated boundaries, and a freely-used safe word is violence. End of story.

Safe words help establish exactly what's within your bounds and rights. Reserved folks might find themselves too timid to advocate for themselves, but there is no working around this pivotal aspect of kink. You must focus on communication. There's no consent involved in taking away safe words, and usually, a good spanking top will refuse to lay a hand on that butt or upper back without some form of clear communication about boundaries first.

Without a good safe word, problems will arise, and your little family of two could take a hit to its long-term emotional health. While it may seem unsexy to have that first conversation about spanking, listen up. If you aren’t ready to talk about boundaries and use those safe words, you aren’t ready to start spanking. Period.

Start with your hand

There are so many sweet toys out there to enhance your spanking game, but did you know that it all starts with the mastery of your own two hands? You can add toys later, but hand-to-skin contact is an essential way to teach yourself how hard is too hard for your partner, and what feels just right.

Think of it as a kinky school for two to give you the education you only dreamed about. To spank with your hand like a pro, start by really getting a feel for the back of your partner's thighs, their booty, and their hips. Run your hands along those spaces, grab them, and graze them with your fingernails. It's vital to know your lover's body like the back of your hand before you start.

When you feel like you can trace the curves of your partner's body with your eyes closed (and have also built up some wicked sexual anticipation), you're ready to start spanking. But remember, kids! Always avoid the lower back while spanking at all costs. This sensitive spot is where some vital organs are cushioned, and hitting your partner carelessly in the low- to mid-back can cause major damage. Stick with the booty and thighs, or if you're feeling adventurous, the shoulders.

Get to know your toys

Hand spanks are a treat, but once you get inducted into the world of pain, you may want to up your game (and save the spanker’s hand in the process). That’s where toys of all varieties come into play.


Paddles conjure up the classic schoolmaster, and many of us discovered our paddle fantasies thanks to a teacher we were sorely crushing on. A paddle is a fantastic toy thanks to their weightiness. They offer up a good thwack that feels somehow both sharp and “thuddy,” as the BDSM community calls it. Because the pain is dispersed across a broader area, you feel it more broadly. This is also the easiest toy to wield for beginner paddlers, so you can worry less about messing up in the moment. That being said, practice and start slow to make sure nobody gets seriously hurt. 

These are most typically made of rubber or wood, and both offer benefits depending on the sensation you’re after. Rubber offers a slap and contours to the shape of your booty, while wood is firmer, sharper, and a more high-pitched type a kind of pain. 

If you’re just starting out, you can always experiment with a wooden hairbrush – the classic introduction into BDSM.


Looking for a sharper bite? You may want to try incorporating a whip into the bedroom. There are many flavors to choose from, including crop whips and floggers. Unlike paddles, whips offer a “sting-y” pain that seems to sing against your skin. When done correctly, they leave thin red lines across your bum.

The thing about whips is that they’re harder to get familiar with, so be prepared to practice. If you’re feeling nervous about buying a full-throttle Indiana Jones whip just yet, opt for a crop whip or other smaller whip, so you have better control. 

Regardless of what you buy, make sure you practice before bringing them into the bedroom. Try it out on a pillow or arm chair, and when you feel ready, communicate with your partner and utilize safe words like the stoplight system so they can guide you on how hard to spank.

Rods and canes

If you’ve ever fantasized about a disappointed teacher rapping your knuckles with a ruler, you may just be a rod kind of person. These are easy to come by, versatile, and fun. Often, these gems are made of wood, but you can also find ones made of pleather or plastic. Like whips, these offer a sharp pain. Unlike whips, they’re very straightforward and easy to handle. But be careful! These can leave welts. Make sure that’s what your partner wants before diving in.

If you’re feeling extra adventurous, use a bundle of rods for a new kind of zing.

How to have a great spanking session

Whether you have a toy or are just starting out with your hands, it’s important to build up the enticement as you set the scene. Don’t dive straight into your hardest spanks. Start by gently rubbing and teasing your partner. Use light touches, feathers, the softest stroke of the whip, or even your fingernails to get their nerves alerted and sensitized. 

Then, switch from those touches to gentle, light spanks. They shouldn’t hurt yet. Gradually pepper in harder spanks from time to time – but keep them reined in for now. Don’t go in an expected rhythm. Surprise your partner with the moments you spank them harder. By switching between soft and hard spanks, they’ll never know what to expect, and you’ll have them shivering in excitement.

After a bit, slowly up the intensity until your partner is receiving crescendo after crescendo of wallops. Every once and awhile, stop and rub their reddened skin, causing a little friction. A soft bristle hair brush is also a classic way to provide this feeling between spanks, and keeps the build-up fresh and exciting.

Keep going until you reach the max both the spanker and spankee can handle. Then, check in with whatever aftercare they need. It could be snuggling, or a full on pounding. Be attentive and check in with their needs as well as your own.

Start spanking tonight

The power’s in your hands to awaken a thrilling ride you and your partner may never forget. Remember, discovering this surprising new fetish is a gift. Be proud of who you are and excited to have the best sex of your life. By communicating with your partner and exploring the diverse sensations available to you, you can be having better sex tonight.

Spanking may be child abuse when used by many parents on their poor children, but when two adults agree on this kind of corporal punishment, it can be a sexy way to enhance any physical relationship between one adult and another. Whether you're reading this in March 2021 or September 2035, start exploring the world of spanking tonight. You'll soon understand just how a little misbehavior can feel oh, so right.

If you love spanking of all kinds, let us know your favorite toy recommendations below!