Swinger Couples

So you want to be swingers? Swinger couples tell all

Lately, the daydream has come over you. A good, married wife, you love your husband. Still, you can't stop thinking about the idea of hitting up a swingers club and exposing your private, sexual life to other couples in a night that would make any other adult in your office blush.

There's nothing wrong with you. The swinger lifestyle is alive and kicking - and with people getting more comfortable talking about swingers every day, things are only getting better. The time is over when we had to hide our sexual preferences in the corner. Now we get to sing it loud and proud. And if you’re anything like the other kinky folks of this new decade, you’re more than a little curious about entering the secret club of swingers.

But as much as you'd enjoy the chance to meet swingers for new experiences, you have some questions. For starters, how many local swingers are there in your little town to begin with? What would your spouse say? And most importantly, how do you start exploring the lifestyle with other couples, without the joys outweighing the risk?

Talk about it

The number one step in exploring the swingers lifestyle is this: communication. According to successful swingers, talking with their spouse authentically and vulnerably is the only way you and your partner will be happy in the long run.

If you’re swinging, you're in a couple. All couples' call for some work, but good relationships are worth it. If you want to delve into the lifestyle, the first thing to keep in mind is that you and your partner are in this together. As couples, our primary objective is creating a loving relationship that's also sexually liberating. You might be fantasizing about sex with new people, but at the end of the day, if you want to get frisky in tandem, you have to be prepared to talk about it. A lot. Not a single person in the swingers lifestyle (or their friends) would pretend that joining this thrilling club starts with anything less than several lengthy conversations.

But think of it as another way to share your soul with your partner. Hold nothing back, and ask them for their honest thoughts on joining the swingers' lifestyle together. When you bring this exclusive club up, reiterate how much you love your partner, how sexy they are...and how much you want to see someone else pleasure them. You read that right. Your swinging fantasies might have self-serving roots, but ultimately you need to see it from another angle. Let your partner know how much they’ll get out of this lifestyle too. If you introduce swinging by saying you want to sleep with other people, they may worry that they’re not enough for you.

So tell your partner about how you want to see them pleasured. Say that you’re eager to see them blush like they did when you first met, and you want to get the delicious and wicked satisfaction of knowing they had an incredible time.

Getting into this headspace is easier if you read up on the number one most important term in the non-monogamous community: compersion.

What’s compersion?

The opposite of jealousy, compersion is when you feel joy to know that your partner is on the receiving end of pleasure. If they’re happy, you’re happy. Compersion is when you realize that their joy has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your partner’s happiness.

To practice it, you have to trust them to do what’s best for them while maintaining the stability of your relationship. It’s rooted in the confidence that your partner’s pleasure with some new hunk doesn’t negate their deep and enduring love for you or your marriage. Compersion is a powerful, active process, and one that takes a lot of practice. Reading about it and talking to your person about it is an incredible way to start. 

Different ways to swing

Don’t listen to what TV wants you to hear. There’s more than one way to swing, and it isn’t always anonymous sex with new people, rule–free. Often, when couples start out, they go slow to discover the rules that work best for them.

Same room

The gentlest introduction to swinging, in this setting, you have sex with your original partner while another couple has sex in the same room as you. Generally, this involves some flirting with the other couple beforehand, and maybe even a sexy version of Jenga or Truth or Dare, so you get a taste of watching someone else lust after your lover. This thrilling way to get frisky unleashes your inner sex god while staying with only your partner.

Soft swap

If it’s you and your partner’s first time at a swingers’ party, you may want to start with a soft swap. This next-level play is all about just making out with, stroking, or playing with a person other than your partner. The boundaries for a soft swap are different for everyone. You and your partner need to establish what those are. For some couples, the line is drawn at making out. For others, everything leading up to oral is fair game. Make sure whatever couple you hook up with is on the same page.

Full swap

Once you’ve had a bit of fun with same room play and soft swaps, you may be ready for a full swap. This scenario, reserved for seasoned swingers, is when two couples go on a date together and swap partners. This is a wild experience, and often, you have sex in the same room as each other, so you can watch your spouse shudder with pleasure under someone else’s touch.

Find a swingers’ club

Getting out there can seem intimidating, but most of the time, clear communication reigns as always. Find your way into the lifestyle by hitting up a sex club on a specific swingers night, or find swingers and open couples in an online club, Meetup, or FetLife group.

The best place to find events, a club, or even just coffee shop social gatherings where people share their thoughts on the lifestyle is online.

If you’re thinking you can’t find a swingers’ party or club near you, think again. This lifestyle is more common than you may believe, and swap parties are happening right under your nose. Search Eventbrite for carefully coded phrases like “intimacy,” “play party,” or “a night of fun.” These events are often invite-only, so reach out and introduce yourself. Share what you’re looking for and hoping their event is, and they’ll get back to you about whether or not you’re invited. Worst case scenario, you misread the situation and you don’t hear back.

Unfortunately, because the world feels a need to keep our sex hidden under lock and key, there aren’t tons of mainstream places to find a club or other couples in the swingers lifestyle. There is, however, one very popular site where you can be yourself without a second thought: FetLife. There are literally thousands of groups on this site dedicated to coordinating different swinger events around the world, so you can sign up and get playing as soon as possible. That being said, members on FetLife are typically experienced in the lifestyle, and couples who are new to the game should say something about wanting to learn and chat with other couples first. The swingers community is (by and large) friendly and welcoming, and you'll easily meet other couples who want to share their club secrets - and maybe even please you later down the line.

If you’re concerned FetLife isn’t for you, you can always browse websites like SwingTowns, which advertises swingers gatherings around the country. To find a club, share new information, and connect with other swinger couples, you have to create a member profile, and unlike FetLife, sites like these aren’t always free, but at the very least, you have the option to browse away.

Couples, join the club!

Remember - this lifestyle is only as fun as the people who put the work in to make the club flow. Man, woman, and nonbinary honeys alike in couples share their bodies, their partners, and their lifestyle with other couples for one thrilling night. But you need to be prepared to communicate. Do you have what it takes? The delicious swingers lifestyle is open to all couples bold enough to share their sexual selves with others.

Couples, look alive. The night is humming with action. All you have to do is take that first step.