Swinging? Quick start guide to the swinger lifestyle

You and your partner have broached the stickiest topic of your relationship: swinging. You know what you want, you know what to expect...but how do you get invited to a swinger party? Most importantly, what in the world do you wear to one?

It can be daunting to head into a room full of experienced swingers when you barely know the ropes. You may feel overwhelmed by the idea that something might go wrong. But if everyone else in “the lifestyle” can go for it, then why not you and your partner? In a few simple steps, you can be on your way to getting invited to your first swinger party this week.

How do I start swinging?

Okay, so you know about the community in theory, and the idea of smooching someone new, then coming home to your own partner is a dream, but what is it actually like to go swinging? Meaning, what can I expect that's reality, not fantasy?

A couple that's eager to engage with new partners together has a few different options, that all boil down to how open they are with their sexual selves. It all depends on what they're open to, as well as each person's sexual orientation. Because women are less repressed when it comes to exploring queerness (and there's way less stigma surrounding bisexual women than men), many women in otherwise hetero couples use this opportunity to have sex with someone outside the relationship who's also a woman.

That may mean making out with other women, or having a full on swap and having sex with a woman while the men watch (or, ideally, swapping and exploring, themselves). Often though, both couples are straight and the wives swap husbands for a night of hanky panky. Sometimes, it's in the same room, but other times, you retire to separate hotel rooms for a little passion.

How do I talk to my partner about it?

You've been a couple for the past decade, and you're two people who know romance is about more than love at first sight. It's about building something meaningful, something that lasts. You also know a good romance is about building something that's a fun ride night after night.

According to everyone in the swinging and polyamorous community, the hardest part of becoming swingers is, well, talking about it with your partner in the first place. To have a good conversation with your partner, start by staying focused, and knowing exactly what you're looking for.

It helps to have a solid definition of swinging in the first place: it's two married or otherwise monogamous couples agreeing to 'swap' partners for the night. Swinging is not polyamory, and making that clear distinction will help the conversation stay on track. Wanting to become polyamorous is a wonderful expression of love for some, it's a whole different conversation than opening your bedroom for some swinging fun, and you would really benefit from pumping the breaks on bringing the word 'polyamory' into the conversation unless that's what you're truly longing for.

When you talk with your partner about the idea of having sex with someone else, the trick is in what you say next. Stress your own attraction to your partner, as well as your excitement about seeing them getting pleasured in sex clubs. The focus should be less on them, and more on you. When the emphasis isn't only on your own ends, but on the mutual pleasure you'll both get once you've started going to swingers' events, your partner will be more open to the idea, and also start seeing the ways swinging can enrich you both as individuals and as a couple.

And as intimidating as it may feel, the smartest thing to do is enter the conversation vulnerably and honestly. Talk to your partner about what you've researched about swinging, and why you think it's a kinky addition you both need. At the same time, ask for their thoughts and listen with an open mind. If they have reservations, don't just answer in a way that tries to push them to see your side. Ask questions, and try to learn about their perspective. As you do, you'll both be encouraged to see each other's side - and grow as a couple.

Eventually, if it's right for you and your partner, you'll both realize that swinging is the right move, and be ready to make the fantasy a reality.

Finding a swingers' club

You may believe a swinger event is elusive, something you can’t possibly find in your small city of Biloxi, Mississippi. You’d be wrong. Everyone everywhere likes to get freaky, and your town is no exception. A great way to get the ball rolling? Creating a Feeld account. This app is a delicious, polyamorous and queer dating app for hookups. Many times, people advertise swinger get togethers, and also orgies. To get invited, state your longing to swing loud and clear in your bio, for all the world to see. And put some effort in so your profile stands out from the pack. Be kind, smile in your photos, and say exactly what sultry activity you’re looking for.

You’ll easily meet other couples or hosts who are happy to invite you into the world of swingers and orgy lovers. The only problem? Feeld only works in major metropolitan areas.

Thankfully, there is one place where you’re free to explore. A site that’s so popular, even the smallest towns have a community there: FetLife. 

What’s FetLife?

Don’t let the name intimidate you. This site is for all kinksters and nonmonogamous folks of all breeds, including sexually adventurous couples like you looking for a little fun. And it happens to be as easy as one, two, three. Create a profile, sign up, and get involved in some online groups. Make sure your profile has a photo (featuring you with or without clothes), as well as a good description of what you and your partner are looking for. 

FetLife is not a place for pussyfooting. It’s a place for people like you to be direct about your needs – so just ask! Tell the kinky world what you’re looking for and start building community today. Odds are, even in your small town, you’ll find a swingers' hoo-rah within driving distance. What have you got to lose?

Other options to enjoy the swingers life

If you’re worried FetLife and Feeld just aren’t for you, you can always browse websites like SwingTowns, which advertise swinger meetups around the country. The only problem with these is that sites like those often lend themselves to scams, so be careful and look alert. At the very least, they let you browse for free. 

What can I expect swinging for the first time?

A swingers' event often kicks things off at a neutral location like a hotel bar, where couples can meet and flirt with one another. After everyone has met and flirted, couples then partner off with new people and head back to various hotel rooms for a night of swinging sex.

Sometimes, these parties just take place in a home. Everyone meets and mingles over cocktails and snacks. Slowly, people pair off with new lovers and find a place in the home to start exploring each other’s bodies. This is a fun and flirty way to play and often involves a little voyeurism and same room action for you to feast your eyes upon.

Wherever the swinging gathering's kicking off, flirt openly, but be prepared to face some rejection. It happens to all of us, and someone’s presence is in no way, shape, or form an automatic “yes” to your particular advances. It helps to monitor how much you’re drinking. Since most parties have booze, stay hydrated. A charming person is one who’s sober enough to have good conversations.  

When heading to your first gathering of swingers, it’s essential that you dress accordingly. Double-check the attire rules on the invite. If it’s a themed event, don’t come dressed like a dud – you’re there to stand out, and when there are loads of other people looking to have sex with the most eligible partner, you don’t want to be the odd person out who was too embarrassed to dress the part. 

Regardless of if it’s costumed or not, let me state the obvious for just in case: wear your best undies. You want to look good on the outside, but you also want to look good as you disrobe. Swinging can lead to a couple you and your partner swap with over years, and you want to make a stellar impression. 

When the party is finally over, everyone goes home with their respective partners. Swinging is not polyamory, despite what outsiders may think. Swingers feel they only have one romantic partner, and at the end of the day, your cuddles and sleep are reserved for that person alone.

Basic swinger etiquette

If you plan on getting invited back, it’s essential that you act with integrity so you don’t ruin the night for others, yourself, or your partner. Rules vary from party to party, but there are general rules of etiquette that everyone should follow. 

  • The most important rule, just like with any sexy situation, is consent. Assume a “no” until you hear a “yes.” Ask someone at every turn whether you can touch them, take it further, or even watch two people go at it. Even if someone is naked and underneath you, they have the right to stop you at any time.
  • When you do get rejected (and it will happen), handle it with grace. It’s bound to happen to you sometime, and there’s nothing wrong with being told “no.” 
  • Talk to your partner at length before heading into the party. Respect their boundaries and don’t cross them. If your partner gets uncomfortable in the middle of the party or wants to change the rules, listen to them. This is not polyamory. Your relationship is the most important part of the event.
  • That being said, respect your lover for the night’s boundaries too. If they want to do oral, but no penetration, that’s their choice – and you either need to accept it or move on.

It can seem intimidating just starting out, but if you and your partner want to play with others, this juicy lifestyle is waiting for you. 

The time is ripe, so hop on in

The meaning of swinging is different for everyone, but sex like this is unparalleled. Start exploring your swinging couple lifestyle today.

Already seasoned in the lifestyle? Tell us your sexiest escapade below!