Threesomes

Threesome? Best tips for threesomes in 2020

On a good night, one partner rolling around in your bed is divine: their hands roving your body, sex that lasts all night. But have you ever felt like adding someone else to the mix could really make quality sex that much sweeter? If so, you might be ready to explore a threesome. Sex is better when there's more than one partner to canoodle, and if you haven't yet experienced the joy of bringing three bodies together for a threesome, you've been missing out.

Although this revolutionary way of having sex is slowly weaseling its way into mainstream media, but it’s still considered an “out there” way to play by most. If you’re curious, join the club and give it a whirl. You’ll quickly learn that threesomes are an engaging way to deepen your relationship to your own sexuality and turn you into a more experienced and attentive lover - even when you're going at it with just a single beau down the line.

Don’t take your advice from TV threesomes and the threesome porn up in your browser now. Close the sidebar, close the 'Threesome XXX' Google Search, and yes, even close the sidebar with those strange threesome stock photos on Getty Images (rights reserved). Instead, listen to people in the know (like me), who have their fair share of threesomes under their belt. Friend, you're about to really learn what common things make women, men, and nonbinary partners tick in a three way.

Start by figuring out your dynamic

No threesome can take flight without you first knowing what the set-up will be for everyone involved. Before you even fantasize about getting started, ask yourself this: who are the people you can count on to jump into bed for your first threesome?

It can't be just anyone. Make sure each three way partner is a guy or woman (or neither) who has an open, communicative relationship with you, and is someone you really trust. Of course, that can be easier or harder depending on the configuration you're in when you start...

A triad

The most pure of all forms of threesome lovin', a triad is when three people are all dating one another mutually. Here, you head into the event intimately, and everyone's needs are all held as sacred and equal. Together, you're in one relationship together, meaning jealousy is a nonissue so long as everyone is being attended to in level measures. Some triads start when one person joins a couple, or when three people all mutually start dating one another. However they form, triads thrive through communication and bonds of trust.

Three friends

It does happen. Three friends, just having a few beers together or watching a movie, grow overcome with passion and lust. Surrendering to the moment, or planning it out beforehand in a no-strings-attached kind of deal, three friends hooking up can be a fun and lighthearted way to enjoy each other's companionship, explore each other's bods, and see just how the night unfolds.

Three strangers

Unless you're heading into the night by hitting up an orgy, this is the stuff of fantasies. But I'm sure it's happened. And maybe for you, the big day will come when you're out dancing until they close The Sidebar on 12th Avenue for the night. The three of you lock eyes, dance closer and closer on each other, and suddenly, are feasting on each other like wolves before the Lyft even drops you off by one of your front doors.

With this configuration, be prepared to check in with each other's boundaries beforehand, and know that it's up to you three to hold each other mutually accountable for a good, safe night.

Couples looking to deepen their relationship

Relationships of all stripes - straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, and omnisexual alike - are among the most common people looking to get in on a three-way. Often, couples want to broaden their relationship horizons by inviting new people into their bed for a night of sex and passion. A husband may be eager to watch their wife show off her super-hot pussy-eating skills for the first time.

This exercise in play takes trust, and nothing shows that you have absolute faith your partner with abandon quite like watching your boyfriend make out with a man before you all hop into the sack together. A good couple who talks honestly will find their marriage bonds only strengthen after a night of wild group lovin'.

Check your couple privilege

When you're in a relationship and looking to have sex with other people together, there's one thing you really need to keep in mind that will help all your threesomes run smooth: the ways your relationship dynamic impacts the flow of the night.

You and your spouse may have had a fantasy you talked out often about some girl you meet at a bar who's feeling frisky, and you take her home for a night that she'll tell her friends about for ages. But the fantasy comes with a caveat: if you want it to go well, and want sex to be joyful for all people involved, you have to acknowledge your couple privilege. Couple privilege isn't a crime; it's just a fact. All three ways will have a measure of imbalance, and it's your job as the couple to do your due diligence so all parties thrive.

The best way to do this? Be up front. Talk to your new partner about it, and ask what they need from you and your significant other. As you establish boundaries, be sure you're also considering your new lover's feelings - not just your spouse's. Nothing says 'selfish' to a casual partner quite like being told exactly how the sex will unfold, and not being asked about their own fantasies.

Read up as much as you can on couple privilege, and be honest with your partners. Ask about the ways you can do better. Encourage them to share their feelings honestly with you, and listen to them as they suggest ways to improve your relationship with each other for better threesomes down the line.

A threesome entails a lot more talking than you’d think. Before meeting a third person, you and your partner have to lay out every potential circumstance and see how you’d feel. If you aren’t comfortable talking about an act even happening, chances are you aren’t ready to do it. Take your time to run through every scenario, and negotiate boundaries that work for you. Once a couple has their boundaries and feelings ironed out, they’re then ready to bring a third human being into the mix.

I say human being because that is a fundamental thing most couples forget: the person they’re hoping to sleep with is a real human being, with their own thoughts, feelings, and hopes for the threesome.

It helps to step inside the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if two people said they wanted to have sex with you, so long as there was no kissing and you left immediately afterward? You’d feel pretty cheap,like a commodity, and less than equal. 

Treating someone like this for your own sexy fantasy is wrong. The golden rule applies in a threesome more than anywhere else. Treat your newest partner the way you’d like to be treated. Ask them about what they want from a threesome, and share the boundaries you’ve established with your partner. Be open to hearing feedback about how those make them feel.

Be prepared to talk it out with all your partners

If all you have are films to go by, you probably think that threesomes are spontaneous, arising out of nowhere with little-to-no negotiation. The reality is way different.

Very rarely do threesomes happen out of thin air, with no boundaries or consent talks beforehand. While they do crop up every once and awhile, it’s way more likely that your night of no strings attached will have plenty of negotiating before the clothes come off.

That’s because a menage a trois usually begins with a couple who is interested in sleeping with a third person. Talks need to happen because the couple enters the threesome zone with a certain relationship already established between the two of them. A couple may have read up on couple privilege, but before they even play with a new person, they need to be honest with themselves. It takes work to undo decades of societally imposed jealousy, and the couple will also have to free themselves of any resentment or mistrust they may be harboring from past relationship mistakes, as well. That’s why it's fundamental that every couple start by having several conversations before they look for someone to hook up with.

And even if you and your partner have already talked things out together, get ready to have a conversation all over again with your new lover, too. Their boundaries, needs, and expectations have to be treated with as much importance as your own.

It doesn't have to be dry. Threesomes are a prime way to explore new kinks, fantasies, and kinds of pleasure - and talking opens you up to new experiences. The simple truth is that you're all coming at it with different sexual experiences and proclivities - so the more, the merrier! Talk honestly with each partner about your role play daydreams, and be willing to give their kinks the old college try. You never know what kinds of pleasure you'll encounter.

In communicating, you’ll find you’ll enjoy a much less inhibited threesome because you’ll have no worries about crossing some unknown line.

Get tested

I’ll keep this part short: many people who are well-versed in threesomes are educated about sexual health and wellness. That’s a compliment. Don’t look like a dingus and embarrass yourself when you dive into a threesome by not being able to say when you last got tested. 

Look like the smart and sex positive person you are, and either get tested with your doctor or at a free STD clinic near you. All you have to do is google “STD clinic” and your town name to get the ball rolling.

What to do in a three way

Okay, you've talked about it, canoodled, and now the question is: how do I get to the place where I want to be going without it getting awkward?

Equal time, equal attention

It’s easy to lose ourselves in the moment, especially when there’s a really good kiss, but the last thing you want to do during a threesome is to accidentally ignore one of your lovers. While you’re kissing Person A, make sure your hand is exploring Person B. Or if you’re watching Person A and B kiss, dive in and nibble their ears and necks accordingly, doling attention out between each person. While it’s a fact that sometimes you’ll have divided attention (after all, if there’s a dildo or penis involved, usually one person will be penetrated while the other won’t), you can still be creative on how you get yourself into that mix with both people at all times.

When you give attention, listen.

Everybody’s body is different. What worked on one person’s dick may be a major turnoff for another. Same goes with vaginas. It’s okay to have some trial and error. When you hear a partner gasp the most, you know you’ve hit the jackpot. Be receptive to their new ways of getting off.

Don’t stop til everyone’s done

This is an especially important tip for cis dudes, who tend to have the most trouble getting this memo in even two-way sex. Sex doesn’t end when one person orgasms (gentlemen, I’m calling you out). Sex ends when all parties are sated. If you came, great! Now don’t stop. In fact, an orgasm may be just what you needed in order to clear your head and focus on their pleasure without worrying about your own – at least for now.

That’s because a threesome, when done right, can last for hours. 

You heard me. Hours. In fact, a good rule of thumb is to head into a threesome with the attitude that all three of you will cum...at least twice. By placing the source of pleasure on the experience itself, you’re opening yourself up to toys, wax, impact play, role play, or anything else you can imagine. 

Have fun and be confident!

Final advice? A threesome isn’t the time to let your ego get in the way. Trust your prowess, trust your process, and have a good time playing around. You don’t need to be a wiz at every sex act, but you do need to be open to becoming one. 

One lover in your arms feels divine, let alone two. A lick, a kiss, and heavy communication are all you need to really explore your very first threesome.